My News Headline Commentary

I was reading the news last night on my phone and found myself having reactions that I wanted to share.  I took a screenshot of each noteworthy article or headline and noted what I was thinking.  I reminded myself of Fred Armisen on SNL, with his nonsensical headline commentary, in the sense that I could only really think of one thing to say about each headline.

So, here, I'm thinking, Is this a spoof on the sometimes overly dramatic "Modern Love" columns?  It starts with the typical, "Fearful of repeating the same mistakes her mother made," and instead of the expected, "a woman must choose an unconventional path," it says, "a porn actress must choose between remaining unattached and financially independent or following her heart."

I mean, what? It sounds like an Onion spoof.

It's not labeled here as a Modern Love column in this screenshot, but if you go to the website, it IS sneakily labeled as Modern Love.  So this is just a regular old, overly dramatic, Modern Love column.

This one, I'm thinking, I love that Ina May,  one of the most experienced midwives in America, can only verbally throw up her hands in response to breastfeeding mothers being banned from swimming pools for fear of contaminating the water.


 

This one, I'm thinking, For me it's not!

I guess I handle less weighty questions with my texting, such as
"So, should we do Rikos for dinner or something?" and 
"Do they need name tags for four days or three days?" and 
"Do we have a meeting today?" and
 "Duffy has diarrhea- I'm wondering if I should just exercise around here so I don't have to leave him so long?" 
 These are actual quotes I just pulled from my texts.  

This one I'm thinking, Oh come ON, how could we possibly know this?   

This one I'm thinking, Of COURSE it was a ladybug.

People get so crazy about bugs in general, but the bus driver will heave himself out of his seat to investigate the bug that a nature-starved New Yorker has severely misidentified.

 "Skateboard woman."  I'm not sure about giving her this superhero-type name.  The accompanying article says that police got a tip that "a woman in a skateboard would be wheeling into the Bedford Street parking lot with the psychedelic candies and LSD, Capt. Richard Conklin said.
About 11 p.m., a young woman of that description rolled into the lot near the CVS pharmacy on a skateboard, Conklin said."  
This article was written by the same reporter, John Nickerson, who gleefully wrote up the arrest of the naked high dancing man a couple days ago.


And yes, from the times on my phone, you can see that I was awake form 2-3 a.m. reading the news, after one child woke up and had to use the bathroom.